Old Wounds, New Hurts

Some people say that you can't move forward until you've closed the door on your past. Yeah, I guess I would have to agree with that statement--at least in part. At times, dealing with events and people from my past has certainly kept me from moving forward. For instance, my sister and I have bickered off-and-on for years, ever since we were children. Sometimes her words and actions have cut me to the core and vice versa. There are times when I have confronted her about her stinging tongue and the negative impact of her words. There are also many times when I have remained silent.

Usually, the conversation goes like this: "I was really hurt and offended when you shared personal information about me with someone else, especially when I heard the information repeated back to me by another person. I felt violated and betrayed. Can you tell me why you would violate my trust, and how can I be sure it won't happen again?" Her textbook response: "Well, I didn't mean to cause you any pain or discomfort by sharing your story. I didn't realize how much it meant to you and I am sorry that I violated your trust. In the future when sharing it would help me if you were to say 'Do not repeat this.' "

These types of conversations have gone on for years and always with the same results. I would share personal information, emote, or respectfully disagree with a point or two and without fail, during our next argument my sister would echo my words back to me. She'd throw my past offenses in my face along with any previous discussions or conversations we've ever had, oftentimes repeating them verbatim. You know, after a while a person grows tired of this kind of unhealthy exchange; it doesn't allow for one to have a human moment or freedom of expression without censure. Now looking back I realize that my sister's idea of "private conversations" or healthy debates simply don't match up with mine. Over the years there have been many offenses, confrontations, and indiscretions, and I have weathered them all. I have accepted the fact that we are distinctly different and for a long time I turned the other cheek . . . until this most recent incident.

Years of resentment and hostility surfaced after I took a stand and decided to "disconnect" because I no longer chose to play the role of passive defender. Decades of serving as target practice for my sister's misplaced anger and my semi-silence has worn thin. My level of tolerance has evaporated. While I respect her need for personal expression, I need for her to also respect my privacy. And since it appears that she is unable or unwilling to respect my wishes, I have to redefine our relationship. For some people there is no middle ground, it's either all or nothing. Generally, that has been the case with my sister. So, in order for me to continue my personal growth and move forward, it would appear that I have to close the door on my past.

But can I really close the door on my relationship with my sister? Yes. I think I can. Especially when the relationship is toxic, unhealthy, causes stress, lacks joy, limits growth, and generally displeasing.