Incremental Love

One of my New Year's commitments is to love without fear and be more grateful, giving thanks for everything. But making a conscious choice to love without fear actually has given rise to my own fear--rejection. You see, when you spend three quarters of your life like I have trying to rebound from a paradoxical family, one of two things usually occur: 1) short- or long-term emotional damage and/or 2) a fixation with the idea of fixing people, situations or things. In my case, I suffered from both, short-term emotional damage and the need to fix others. And to top it off, I was also a people pleaser. A trifecta!

I'm sure you know people like me, and in some cases you may even be married to or living with or even working beside my separated at birth twin. Just kidding. But it's nice to know that I'm not in this alone. Back to the subject. You know those people who always seem uncomfortable unless every body's happy? Or the consensus builder? How about the person who seems unaffected by others' opinions but who secretly wants acceptance? Well, that was me. Guilty on all three counts.

All of my life I have struggled quietly and at times not so quietly with rejection. Because of this fear I've only managed to have superficial relationships. A wall had been carefully constructed around my emotions to avoid being hurt, and it seemed like I was incapable of loving without fear. Fear of what, though? After a series of failed relationships, I was forced to examine my behavior. I did a Sigmund Freud maneuver and psycho-analyzed my actions toward those whom I desired to have a close relationship. And let me tell you, the analysis revealed some deep-rooted fears. My fears went all the way back to the womb. Well, not literally, but it was rooted in my childhood---my very dysfunctional childhood.

During my self-discovery I got in touch with my wounded inner child; the child who felt abandoned and unloved by her mother because of her inability to nurture due to a mental impairment. As much as I loved my father, I resented him because he was physically present but emotionally absent. Praise, compliments, and encouragement were foreign to my parents, so at an early age I learned that love was conditional. If I worked hard around the house or at school, my father would occasionally say "Good job. I'm proud of you." What I took away from those moments was that in order to gain my father's love I had to earn or work for it. This behavior, unfortunately, stayed with me into my adult years.

So you can imagine when I entered adulthood and started dating, my view on love was very skewed. In my relationships I found myself mimicking similar patterns from childhood. I would try to please my partner through constant praise, compliments, and encouragement. And since I didn't have a personal cheerleader or life coach, I was determined to be his best friend, encourager, accountant, social worker, banker, job counselor, mother, and fill in the blank. You name it and I was going to be it, just as long as I had his attention.

It wasn't until about eight years ago that I found my way out of darkness and into the light. After my father passed away in 1997, I gradually began to assess my life and how my unhealthy emotions were clouding my vision. I started to eliminate toxic people and rid myself of toxic thoughts. I slowly began building new friendships and nurturing old ones, all the while drawing strength from my renewed relationship with Jesus Christ. Even though I still make a few relationship blunders, it's nothing compared to what I once entertained. That's growth.

I have learned to accept me as I am and for who I wish to become. My love for others is incremental and increasing each day. So on this third day of the New Year, I remain committed to loving without fear. I am so very grateful that God has purposed within me to experience the true meaning of love.