Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blond, don't press any buttons. You'll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week.

You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done . Your turn!!)

Okey Dokey Friday Jokey

Art Imitating Life

Former 'SNL' alumni Tina Fey nailed her impersonation of Gov. Sarah Palin during last night's opening. This is way too funny (and scary)!

"The Twist" top song of Billboard Hot 100 era

Awwwwwwww, shookey shookey, now!

Chubby Checker's "The Twist" was named the top song of Billboard Hot 100 era.

"I'm glad they've finally recognized it," said Checker of his early 1960s hit. He compared "The Twist" — named by the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum as one of the 500 songs that shaped rock 'n' roll — to the creation of the telephone as a groundbreaking moment because he said it was the first time people were dancing "apart to the beat."

The Billboard Hot 100 chart measures airplay and sales information (and more recently digital downloads) in determining the nation's most popular songs. To determine the most popular song of the Hot 100 era, Billboard used a formula to determine the top song — not always relying on weeks at No. 1 since the data was reported differently in its early days.

Sad Day for Detroit Politics

The curtain has fallen on Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, who pleaded guilty today in a packed Detroit courtroom. The usually cocky and sometimes arrogant mayor was somber and contrite as he admitted to lying under oath.

Detroit Chief of Police Ella Bully Cummings retired immediately after the mayor's guilty plea.

As part of his plea, the mayor will pay $1 million in restitution, spend four months in jail, and surrender his law license.

Kwame Kilpatrick is now a convicted felon. His future in politics remain unclear.

The city now turns its attention to swearing in the new mayor, Kenneth Cockrel, city council president.

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